Recovery Is Possible!!!!!

I never in a million years thought I would be writing this post, but I just wanted say that recovery from an eating disorder is possible!!!! Recovery is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is sooo utterly and completely worth it! I have been battling severe anorexia and bulimia for the past five years as well as PTSD from my deployment to Afghanistan. Throughout the past five years I have also been hospitalized on numerous occasions as well as spending three months in an inpatient program that did absolutely nothing for me. I always knew that in order to really recover from this I had to be 100% ready as well as internalizing recovery as something I was doing for myself and not for anyone else! There were a number of factors that contributed to this last recovery attempt, but after years of not living, severe depression and anxiety as well as been near the brink of suicide I have fought sooooo hard and have completely turned my life around and I have done it almost entirely on my own!

Recovery has been terribly difficult and the negative symptoms of refeeding (of which I am still very much suffering through) have nearly derailed me on numerous occasions, but I was able to dig deep enough within myself to tap into an inner strength that I did not know existed! I feel that I had to go through all of this in order to get where I am today and I never thought I would be so happy, so free, so liberated, absolutely in love with life, so strong, so dedicated! I completely lost myself in my eating disorders as well as those who I care most about! I was utterly shocked when I had my first "good" day, I thought it was never going to happen and I was losing hope sooo quickly - but then it happened and it is a feeling that is very difficult to describe in words, but for the first time in my life I felt calm, happy, and just "let go" of everything that was making me sooo miserable in my life. I thought it was a fluke initially, but then it happened the next day as well - it was followed by a few bad days, but then another couple of good days. It was the first good days I have had in nearly half a decade! Looking back on everything now I just do not know how I did it - I was a complete shell of a person with no personality, no drive, no ambition, no smile, no strength just pain all the time. I walked around with my sadness and loss and pain and that is all I knew and I never thought I would be able to turn my life around - but it is possible!!!

Even though I have a very long road ahead of me I am confident that I can do this and I will never NEVER EVER go back to the way I was - it is not worth it and I do not want to lose anymore of life -I love life now - the ups/downs and I see all these challenges that motivate me instead of throwing me down in the dumps! Before I couldn't do anything and now everyday I am surprised at how much I can accomplish and how dedicated to everything positive in my life!

One thing that really helped me was pet therapy and I highly recommend this to anyone who is a pet lover! I adopted my first dog about a year and a half ago from a terrible shelter that was planning on killing her along with 30 other dogs and I always knew the right dog would find me and I have named her Hope! She is the absolute love of my life and she has helped me sooo much in my recovery. Before I couldn't even walk her and it took everything I had to take her to the dog park and I always felt soooo bad because I could not be the mom I really needed to be - but she stuck with me and was there when no one else was and the unconditional love is amazing!!! Today after working a ten hour day, studying for the GRE's which I are coming up, I still have the energy to come home and take her out for walks as well as going to the dog park even on really cold days. I rush home so I can be with her and when I cried I saw the same pain in her eyes and I just did not want her to see that anymore! She also helped me so much with my anxiety issues because I was able to go out and do something instead of using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with problems. But I do highly recommend this to anyone suffering from an eating disorder!!!!!

I just hope that everyone suffering will find the strength to fight this horrible HORRIBLE disease and find happiness and strength!