Upset with myself..... :(

Hey it's been awhile since ive posted something here.I have improved on my eating I'm still in recovery but I'm eating my full three meals or sometimes only skip once....it makes other people happy because I'm getting better but honestly it doesn't make me happy.What makes me happy is not eating,loosing weight,and being skinny.Whenever I look at myself in the mirror I see someone who is fat and ugly I get doscusted with myself.I'm gaining weight and it makes me feel disgusting,fat,and disappointed....I'm very disappointed in myself because I'm eating as dumb as that sounds that's how I feel.My eating disorder part of me really misses not eating and throwing up :/...I started my old habit again I'm biting again.My therapist said it's another way of cutting.I bite until I bruise I'm trying to stop but if I can't throw up or starve myself then that's what I do.I threw up once this week which isn't bad compared to how much I used to do it.The thing that really bothers me the most is that when I throw up I get happy and I'm proud of myself when I do it but then when I notice what I'm doing I get sick to my stomach because it's like I don't know who I am anymore.I went from being that girl who thought throwing up was disgusting to being that girl who loves to throw up and starve herself.

I went to see my therapist today and what she wanted me to do is to write down my expectations from my mom,dad,and myself.I know that what I expect my parents to do they won't ever do it.
My expectations from my dad are
•More understanding
•to loosen up a bit and let me get out more
•to stop yelling at me whenever I don't want to eat
•to listen to me when I need someone to talk to
•to not judge me for who I am
•to stop blaming what I do on my friends
.....there's so much more but I can't think of them at this moment

My expectations from my mom
•for her to start sticking up for me
•for her to open up more with me because that's what stops me from opening up to her bout my problems
.....And that's all I can think of at this moment

My expectations from myself
•to open up more and not keep things bobbled up inside
•to stop making myself throw up
•to stop starving myself
•to stop struggling to eat
•to start sticking up for myself more
•to always make my parents happy even if it means me not being happy
•to stop getting scared of guys everytime they get mad or when I say no
•to stop calling myself fat
.....and much more that's all I can think of at this time

If you guys want you guys can do this to.You can write it on paper or you can comment here and let everyone see it that's what I'm doing.I'm planing on telling you guys what my therapist tells me to do every week that way I can help the people that are struggling and aren't going to therapy.I know some people might find it worthless but I think it works ive improved a lot she's helped me get through this without her I would be in a hospital right now.Comment and let me know if you want me to do this every week.